Even though we made sure we had things to do yesterday with people who care, it is still so lonely on holidays as parents of the dead.
We realized what we were missing.
It is difficult to not think of everyone else…family and friends…who were doing what we should have been. I daydreamed during Easter last year of what this year would be like. I had an outfit picked out for Bennett for yesterday long before we lost him. I know he may not have fit into it, but it was his Easter-outfit-to-be. I pictured us with him in that outfit…so many pictures in my mind that will never exist in reality. Pictures that were taken by our friends and family with the “alive ones” in cute little Easter outfits at church or at the park or in the yard. Pictures we will never have.
I know I am mourning the what-should-have-been and not mourning a past…moments that actually happened. That makes it so much harder. Our friends and family were having those moments, taking those pictures, laughing, happy, celebrating. It’s hard not to think about those mothers who were doing what I was supposed to be – and making those memories I was supposed to be making for my baby and my husband. It hurts.
They move on and we stay stuck here. While they make memories, our hearts make more scars.
It is 8 months tomorrow. Still not any easier. Can we just take Mother’s Day off the calendar this year???
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